These fears often extend beyond raising specific issues, to talking about race at all: ‘There’s a stigma around it, of being that loud BAME person. It feels like you’re putting yourself out there’; ‘I don’t want to be the angry black girl. […] It feels exposing to talk about my views and experience’; ‘’I’m scared of rocking the boat’; ‘I’m always tiptoeing around it.’ Again, several had had these fears realised: ‘Whenever we talk about putting more diverse agencies on the roster, it’s like the air gets sucked out of the room’; ‘You can see the discomfort when you talk about these issues. […] It’s much easier for them [white, especially senior colleagues] not to think about it – the work still gets done.’
Still, there were mixed feelings amongst the people I spoke to, as to whether they wanted to talk about race at work in the first place. While hopeful that change can happen, they feel pressure, as POCs in un-diverse workplaces, to take action; and at the same time, frustrated that this responsibility should fall to them almost by default. ‘I’m frustrated, like why does it have to be people of colour who push this [D&I] and make people remember we exist?’; ‘Why is it our responsibility to make white people more comfortable?’
As a result of these mixed emotions, some choose to opt out. ‘I’ve got to the point where I don’t say anything. I feel like the onus is on me to say things and represent ethnic minorities. […] I don’t want the pressure’; ‘I hope [the D&I initiative] would be transformative, but I’m also thinking it’s extra work on top of just the daily life of being a black person in this company’; ‘It’s not my job to educate people.’
For those who do choose to get involved in D&I initiatives, it’s a heavy responsibility, involving lots of mental and emotional effort and energy. ‘I could be doing other stuff like training and learning new skills or whatever. I don’t want to do this, it’s not fun, but I know no one else is going to’; ‘There was a turning point in my awareness that made me think about how we recruit. We need to bring that into the workplace, but you also don’t want to bring that racial trauma in. It’s nice to have a day off.’